“Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.”

As someone diagnosed with a chronic pain condition, this quote (often attributed to Buddha), is one of those helpful pieces of advice often given by people who really don’t want to listen to how you are feeling, but asked anyway.

It is something both profoundly true and utterly impossible to see when overwhelmed by pain - physical, mental or otherwise.

As I’ve mentioned before, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia at age 18, over 20 years ago. I’ve had my fair share of practice with pain and suffering, chosen or not. 

It was this condition that, in many ways, led me to begin exploring more spiritual approaches - something suggested to me at the time by folks with way more life experience than an arrogant 18 year old. 

In the early years it didn’t stick too well. I tried to cover up the pain and it would take much suffering to bring me to the point of getting back into basic practices, healthy habits, and healthier ways of thinking. When the pain and suffering decreased I would rush back into my life with abandon - only to end up repeating the process all over again. 

Over time I learned, somewhat the hard way, even though for someone with a chronic pain condition “pain is inevitable,” it is also true that “suffering is (mostly) optional.”

Whether chronic pain, a lost relationship, a failed goal, or some other physical or psychic blow, I’ve danced “pain and suffering” shuffle often enough to see many of the ins and outs, where we can get caught up and how to develop habits to overcome the aspects of this that can set up back.

What is suffering?

I used to believe that suffering was best described as the loss of hope. Hope that things would change, that the pain would become less. Then, someone suggested I look up the word.

The OED’s 1st definition of “suffer” is “to undergo or endure… To have (something painful, distressing or injurious) inflicted or imposed upon one.” Other online sources don’t differ significantly.

This is why I used “mostly” above in “suffering is (mostly) optional.” We all have something, sometime, in life that we need to endure. (a topic for another time)

Still, the word’s meaning has a very negative connotation in contemporary use. Someone who “suffers,” in our collective contemporary use of the word, is someone who is miserable at having to endure. A victim who can not move beyond their burden. A quick survey of a few people, and suffering is no longer “enduring,” but closer to “enduring with a prolonged victim mentality in a depressed or agitated state” - especially in the context of the quote.

The first part of the quote, “Pain is inevitable,” actually is equal to “suffering” in the proper use of the word. (Proper usage of words - another topic for another time).

‘Suffering,’ in the context valuable to us then, is probably best defined as “a prolonged sense of grieving or victimization that leads to the multiplication of the pain we are already in.”

Why don’t I want to suffer?

Well, it kind of sucks. 

Aside from the reasons you can come up with on your own? 

I would also say that culturally it is an unwanted trait. It can lead to poor productivity and strained relationships.  Many of our religions and spiritual teachers, most of our philosophers, and pretty much every “self-help” book you can find, focus on creating life without suffering and points us toward some idealized state where all this will be, or can be, removed. In this life or the next (if your up for the gamble). 

Most psychologists tell us that grieving is a healthy response to pain and loss. Prolonged grieving, or a prolonged sense of victimization, is usually classified as pathological. 

There also is, I feel (particularly living this close to New York), a belief happiness is a sign of success. If I am sad, or miserable, or show suffering in some form, there is something wrong with me. Our advertising certainly points that way. 

As human beings we have a range of emotions. Its healthy to be able to express all of them. Its when one or the other becomes so overwhelming we can’t move or can’t socialize that this can be unhealthy.

So do I have to suffer?

Well, this website, and many others, say you should. Though I’m not advocating this.

In the sense of the proper definition of the word, if you mean are there things in life I will have to endure, then yes.

In the sense I have defined above (“prolonged grieving or victimization”), maybe. Probably. But you don’t have to continue to the point where it becomes overwhelming and it doesn’t have to hold you back from living your life. 

If your condition is particularly bad, seek professional medical or psychological or spiritual support in whatever tradition feels right for you. All of these things can help, sometimes separately, sometimes in combination.

So what should I do?

Well below are some suggestions…

Identifying suffering

It can be so much easier to see in others. Recognizing our own suffering, let alone admitting it, is often a genuine challenge, regardless of if this is cultural or biological. I know for myself, I would be face down on the floor in pain, refusing to seek out help, and still believe I could handle it on my own. 

Its a fine line between enduring something we can handle (it doesn’t have much impact on our daily life) and something that is overwhelming (it has a major impact on our lives). 

With something like a chronic pain condition, where the pain is present constantly (sometimes low, sometimes high) many of us make the choice to endure as best we can, especially over time. The people close to us become sick of hearing our complaints, or excuses for canceling plans. We suck it up and push through or, worse, isolate so we do not have to continue to disappoint people. 

I’ve also seen the same behavior in myself, in family and in friends going through breakups, missing a loved one, or after a career failure - holding on too long to something without finding a healthy resolution.

If you are not sure if you are in the midst of unhealthy suffering, ask the people closest to you. Not the ones you see every day, necessarily, but the people who know you best. Ask them, do I seem happy? Would you say I seem like I am suffering?

If you can’t think of someone to ask, there is a good chance you have isolated yourself so no one can see the pain you are in. You are probably suffering. Its a great way to start a deeper conversation, and most people will be happy to tell you what they think of you.

How to start to change it

First, acknowledge it to yourself. You know if you are carrying something that is too heavy for you. If you don’t try talking to some people in your life about what is making you sad, or anxious. Sometimes when we talk aloud we can find truths that we can’t see in our internal dialogue. Its the old 12-step approach - “admit I am ____, and it is making my life unmanageable.” 

Second, talk to someone about it. The very nature of suffering, according to both definitions I mention here (the proper one and the colloquial one) is isolation. Whether you endure you burden in silence or with a great deal of complaining telling someone its too much to carry alone is the first move toward not having to carry it alone.

Take suggestions and follow advice. If you are going through something and some one hasn’t been through it before, and come out the other side, you are in a very small minority. Doctors, healers, support groups, friends and family, someone you know at least knows someone who knows someone who has been through something similar. Reach out to them. very few people will say no to someone they can legitimately help. Search on line and find books that may be helpful. 

Then, the real trick is following the advice once you get it. 

———-

In future posts, and in a forth coming book, I will get more into some of the practices that can be supportive for chronic pain.

For now though, remember:

• How do I take action when I don’t feel motivated?
• Acknowledge the current limit to yourself and those impacted by it.
• Seek out support.
• Be realistic, for today.

Kurt Hahn, “The Seven Laws of Salem”, and the Founding Principals of Outward Bound. Part 5

Over 7 weeks or so I will post an exploration of each of  Kurt Hahn’s “Seven Laws of Salem”.  Read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 or Part 4.

Kurt Hahn was an educator and vocal anti-Nazi in the early days of their rise to power. The principals he called “The Seven Laws of Salem” (the basis for the school he founded in Salem, Germany between the world wars) became the founding principals of the Outward Bound programs now offered at independent schools around the world.

Hahn was focused on developing social change through education of the younger generation. He placed the natural world, our earth, in a position of great importance to the heath and development of a human being at a time when industrialization and modernism was beginning to over take more traditional life styles.

The Seven Laws of Salem

1. Give the children opportunities for self-discovery.

2. Make the children meet with triumph and defeat.

3. Give the children the opportunity of self-effacement in the common cause.

4. Provide periods of silence.

5. Train the imagination.

6. Make games important but not predominant.

7. Free the sons of the wealthy and powerful from the enervating sense of privilege.

"Train the imagination."

"The power to resist the pressing stimulus of the hour and the moment can not be acquired later in life; it often depends on the ability to visualize what you plan and hope and fear for the future"

I do disagree that these skills can not be acquired later in life. Few of us though are willing to put in the effort to do so. (I'll get to that in a minute).

What I think is interesting here that Hahn is specifically talking about the imagination put to practice use.  Our ability to visualize our future - to recognize not just our plan, but our hopes and fears about it. 

I feel this is probably pretty sophisticated understanding for the time. While he focuses on the practical use of the imagination, he is also seems to be implying that it is not just the rational "plan," but also the recognition of the impact our emotional life has on these plans and our ability to carry them out.

He is not just talking about visualizing a future we want - where do I see myself in 5, 10, 15 years. He is saying imagination is important for visualizing what we desire. Not just thinking outside the box, but feeling deeply into it and embracing what we hope and fear is on the other side. That takes courage, almost a leap of faith. We do not want to be disappointed or wrong, having to face our fear.

This distinction, between want and desire, is an important one. Want, is charged with the intellect. Its often connected to how we see ourselves or how we want others to see us. It is measurable and usually concrete. What we desire is charged with emotion, with feeling, with hope and fear.  It is often immeasurable.  

Want is usually something within our control, something we can achieve and benefit from. Desire is something deeper, usually beyond our control, and taking a greater imagination to access and bring into life. 

What we want can be held onto if achieved. What we desire is fleeting.

It takes, not just imagination, but courage to step into desire.

The biggest challenge to imagination, especially later in life probably cynicism.  As we grow and our imagination, however well developed, is faced with harsh reality, it tends to shrink unless we use it. "It becomes atrophied like a muscle not in use," as Hahn puts it. 

Imagination can fall out of balance in two ways. 

First, as Hahn says, it becomes atrophied. We can't use our imaginative power even if we wanted to. We lose site of where we are headed, our plans for getting there, and our emotional connection to our future. Life becomes about tasks. We endure or suffer through. Our lives are governed by routine and responsibility. Our hopes and dreams, maybe even our entire emotional life, seems out of reach.

The second way is that imagination, though strong, is not put to practical use, leading to daydreaming and fantasizing. Instead of using our ability to vision our future and take practical steps to change our lives, the lure and mailability of our imaginations become a retreat where we can have what we want, or desire, at anytime - without having to put the work in. 

Harnessing the Imagination

As I said in the beginning, I disagree with Hahn that the imagination cannot be acquired later in life. It just takes some work.

If the imagination is weak, atrophied, making a commitment to build it up just means identifying the right practices for our specific case. Exploring our ability to visualize could take many forms - drawing, shamanic journeying, dream work, meditation techniques, spending more time in nature, or maybe all we need is vacation.

Often something as simple as stepping outside of our daily routines is enough. Though the work put in should be focused on quieting the voice driving us on the "need to do list," and give us time to open up to what we want and desire, and creating a plan to get there.

If we struggle in the other direction with lots of imagination, but no focus, we need to develop better techniques for seeing life as it really is, and taking action using our imaginations. In this case, more time spent planning and practicing putting your vision in your life is beneficial. Start small and specific. If you space out on kung fu movies, go take a martial arts class. If you dream of being rich, work with someone to build a financial plan that sets money aside.

Think of your imagination as a body of water. Cool, clear, refreshing. Water needs a structure, a path to flow or rest in, or else it floods and drowns out everything around it. How can you build a structure for its flow that is aimed at your goals and dreams.

------

Part 1. Part 2. Part 3. Part 4.

___________________

Kurt Hahn's School's and Legacy by Martin Flavin was the primary source for these posts.

Kurt Hahn, “The Seven Laws of Salem”, and the Founding Principals of Outward Bound. Part 4

Over 7 weeks or so I will post an exploration of each of  Kurt Hahn’s “Seven Laws of Salem”.  Read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, or Part 5.

Kurt Hahn was an educator and vocal anti-Nazi in the early days of their rise to power. The principals he called “The Seven Laws of Salem” (the basis for the school he founded in Salem, Germany between the world wars) became the founding principals of the Outward Bound programs now offered at independent schools around the world.

Hahn was focused on developing social change through education of the younger generation. He placed the natural world, our earth, in a position of great importance to the heath and development of a human being at a time when industrialization and modernism was beginning to over take more traditional life styles.

The Seven Laws of Salem

1. Give the children opportunities for self-discovery.

2. Make the children meet with triumph and defeat.

3. Give the children the opportunity of self-effacement in the common cause.

4. Provide periods of silence.

5. Train the imagination.

6. Make games important but not predominant.

7. Free the sons of the wealthy and powerful from the enervating sense of privilege.

"Provide periods of silence."

Sometime after kindergarten, when nap time is replaced with recess, the idea of taking time to rest throughout out day seems to disappear. 

As Hahn says:

"Unless the present day generation acquires early habits of quiet reflection, it will be prematurely used up by the nerve exhausting and distracting civilization of today."

He wrote that in 1930. That's 84 years ago. If the 1930's were so nerve exhausting and distracting, I wonder what he would make of our pace in life today?

Sitting alone in silence, with the express purpose of rest, is difficult for many of us. Our focus is so easily brought to "what I am I doing?"

When I was young I was taught that I always needed to be doing something. I was told "only stupid people get bored," and taught to memorize "Good, better, best, never let it rest - till the good gets better and better gets best." And later: "Upon the plains of hesitation lie the bones of countless thousands, who upon the dawn of victory paused to rest, and in resting died."

So no, not much early acquisition of habits of quite reflection.

Our relationship to silence says volumes about our relationship to ourselves. With all distraction gone, the fears, doubts, the self criticizing voice within us become louder. Culturally, at least as far as I am aware, we generally share only two social references to silence as we grow. 

The first is a silence of sacredness. In school, in church, in the living room on Sunday afternoon during a ball game - if we get too loud we are disrupting something greater than us. Sacraments, whether religious, social, or personal, hold reverence. Silence is one way we are taught that something is important - that we are in the presence of something greater than we are, so we should shut up, sit down and be quiet.

Depending on where and how we were raised this may be during religious services, family meals, the pledge of allegiance, during tests at school (or just at school),or during the last 10 minutes of a particularly important and close ballgame on the TV. We may be asked at events to observe a minute of silence. And of course, almost always, while someone is working. Remember, "Silence is golden."

As we grow up this silence of the sacred sends a message - you are in the presence of something greater than you, something you should not disrupt. How easily do we consciously adopt these values? Some of them have great social value. Others we learn we may struggle with our whole lives.  We can learn a lesson about putting aside our personal interests and desires and to observe a larger social interest. 

The second predominate time we are taught about silence as we grow up is in punishment. Prisoners are sent to solitary, children are told to stand in the corner or go to their room and be quiet, adolescents get detention - meant in most cases to be a period of reflection on what they did wrong. 

Hahn, sees quiet self-reflection as an asset, a life enhancing, and preferably chosen activity. We are taught generally that we should only reflect on ourselves, our choices and behavior, if we are wrong or bad - out of line with the socially accepted.

If these are our only exposures to the idea of silence, by the time we become adults, silence, quietness, is a quality we can hold with sense of real conflict. Being quiet and doing nothing is either for the holy or for the wrong. Why would a regular guy like me want to take time for quiet reflection?

The truth is somewhere in-between. When we make space for quiet or reflection we are making space to listen to see our selves and the impact our often habitual and unconscious behavior has on our lives, what our bodies are telling us, and gives us a chance to connect to the wisdom of what some us call god, or big mind, or inspiration (among other things).

One of the most difficult challenges faced by clients and others I have worked with around sitting in silence is that an intense sense of anxiety arrises. They begin to experience thoughts or fears that they can't quite seem to push away. Its a common problem for beginners in most meditation practices. 

Why do so many of us struggle with this concept?  Either as silent meditation or quiet self reflection, the challenge to be at peace and be still seems common among us. 

The most reliable way to become more skilled in silence and quiet reflection is, as with most things, practice. 

There are 3 basic practices I teach and recommend - Quiet reflection, active rest and meditation. Though there are invariable forms of each, they all work toward stilling the mind, easing overactive nerves, and creating a clearer sense of who we are beyond the fears and doubts.  Here are some examples of each...

Quiet Reflection

There are plenty of great self reflection exercises out there. Some of them have specific aims, others are meant to build our self awareness. The majority of them have one thing in common - sitting in quite and expressing or considering what is on our minds.

The most basic practice is journaling. Sitting at some set time of day and recording our thoughts. By placing them on paper we are able to see them more objectively, to get to the heart of that is charging or driving a specific event or emotional response. 

Prayer is also a form of quiet reflection. Often used to express fears or hopes for ourselves or others, a prayer infers a relationship with God or a higher power, however we define it. In this act, in may ways, we are recognizing our limits and our potential. 

In Integral Life Practice the authors set out what they call the "3-2-1 Shadow Process." Which is essentially a self examination of the relationships that give us trouble and the part we play in perpetuating them. Many 12-Step groups use a different method, with the same aim, in their inventory processes - looking at the role the individual plays and what they can change, not the other person.

What all of these methods create is an opportunity to view our behavior in an objective way, giving us more knowledge of ourselves, our relationships, our emotions and ideas.

Active Rest

One of the concepts I have been meditating on and finding ways to practice in my own life is the concept of active rest. Meaning, as I have come to use it, doing nothing but focusing on rest. Most people I know, myself some days included, rest by sitting on the couch and turning on the TV.  Even on the beach most of us dive into some book. We our constantly feeding our nervous system. Our sense tends less toward being at peace and healing, as it does feeding ourselves information to drown out our thinking.

Having been diagnosed with fibromyalgia at a young age I became aware pretty quickly that my nervous system needed rest. TV and may other forms of entertainment could have a negative effect on my condition, my ability to relax, rest or sleep.

The easiest way I have found to practice active rest is in savasana. A yoga pose where I am simply laying on floor on my back with my hands and legs relaxed, eyes closed. The pose is often called corpse pose (because of course something that still and at rest must be dead.) The aim, as most yoga teachers will give with their instructions is to "melt into the floor".

Savasana is great way to rest. Focusing on relaxing the body and breath, practiced over time, the brain starts checking in with its more basic functioning. Tensions held in the body for years can simply release and be gone.

Without distraction, without constant input, we can relax more fully. Quite often this practice can give us new perspective or insight into our lives. Many yoga studios offer restorative or yin yoga classes, where 3 or 4 supported postures, similar to savasana, are done over the course of the class. This can be a great way to learn and experience active rest.

Meditation

Odd are you have a picture in your head of someone in a robe sitting on a cushion contemplating absolutely nothing. 

There are countless forms of meditation. I have come across seated, walking,and written meditations. I've used guided meditations, shamanic journeying, meditation focused on a single object or mantra, mindfulness meditation focused on building awareness, and meditation using sound or drumming to create a trance. And quite a few others. 

The simplest, and most effective technique I learned is to find a comfortable seat and bring your attention to your breath, with or without your eyes closed. Feel the cool air coming in, feel the warm air going out. If you have a distracting though just gently bring your attention back to the breath.

A tool I learned from a recored class with yoga teacher Erich Schiffmann, that I found online is the 50-1 technique. Similar to the above, except adding a count down to the mix. As you breathe in start with "50". As you breathe out - "49". Until you get to "25" then just use the count on the out breath. When you reach "0" continue with observing the breath.

With both of these its worth it to use a timer. Set it for anywhere from 3 to 30 minutes. 

Meditation, when you hit the sweet spot, provides the same type of benefits to your body as deep sleep. It can help the brain repair the body and correct imbalances in brain chemistry. 

But it takes practice. Be patient with yourself. If you struggle doing it alone find a friend or a good instructional CD, or a teacher or a practice group.

--------

So there are many ways to make periods of silence for ourselves and many benefits to it. Whether we or not we learned a healthy relationship to silence when we are young, or not, its never too late to learn stepping back, taking a few breaths, and renewing our relationship to ourselves, our bodies, our relationships. 

Part 1. Part 2. Part 3. Part 5.

___________________
Kurt Hahn's School's and Legacy by Martin Flavin was the primary source for these posts.

Kurt Hahn, “The Seven Laws of Salem”, and the Founding Principals of Outward Bound. Part 3

Over 7 weeks or so I will post an exploration of each of  Kurt Hahn’s “Seven Laws of Salem”.  Read Part 1, Part 2, Part 4, or Part 5.

Kurt Hahn was an educator and vocal anti-Nazi in the early days of their rise to power. The principals he called “The Seven Laws of Salem” (the basis for the school he founded in Salem, Germany between the world wars) became the founding principals of the Outward Bound programs now offered at independent schools around the world.

Hahn was focused on developing social change through education of the younger generation. He placed the natural world, our earth, in a position of great importance to the heath and development of a human being at a time when industrialization and modernism was beginning to over take more traditional life styles.

The Seven Laws of Salem

1. Give the children opportunities for self-discovery.

2. Make the children meet with triumph and defeat.

3. Give the children the opportunity of self-effacement in the common cause.

4. Provide periods of silence.

5. Train the imagination.

6. Make games important but not predominant.

7. Free the sons of the wealthy and powerful from the enervating sense of privilege.

"Give the children the opportunity of self-effacement in the common cause."

There are so many ways to take this one. I'll admit, my first reaction to reading this, as an American raised on idealizing the type of rugged individualism that easily fantasizes and often chooses trying to solve any problem in some kind of isolation, was slightly stomach turning. These are the hero's we are given, that we grow up with, and how we are taught culturally that strength means. 

I'm going to break this apart a bit & I want to start with "the common cause." Most of us are too well acquainted with our own causes - our individual goals, dreams, and work. Maybe we see our community as a way to support us in achieving that - our friends and families, our employer, our religious, intellectual or spiritual community. There is something special about being the "best", the most recognized, the highest paid. It is a reward in itself. And it is useful for our own sense of motivation and useful too for the advancement of new ideas.

When I reflect on this "law", what I really see is a way to be in community. How we relate and interact with those around us, recognizing that though my personal goals are important (certainly to me), the others around me have individual goals as well. Together, quite often, we have communal goals. 

Look through the self-help/personal or professional development materials you have come across. There are plenty of materials online about how to set and make commitments to your personal goals.

Try this. Get 3 sheets of paper. Write down your personal goals on one. On the next write down the goals of the 3 people closest to you. If you don't know what they are, maybe ask them. On the final sheet of paper list the goals of 3 of the communities you interact with - these could be your family's shared goals, your town's, your employer's. Maybe you are a member of a social or political organization, a church or spiritual community. Gyms and yoga studios have memberships. The list goes on.

On some level we are always participating in the shared goals of others. Whether communal, personal or professional. How aware are you of what these are for others? For your community? For your employer? For your 3 most important relationships? If you have even the slightest expectation that these others will support you, what are you doing to support them? To support your community?

As Hahn states in the description of the "law"; 

"You want a crew, not passengers..."

We all would love a crew helping us achieve our aims. Other people are necessary and a valuable part of life for most of us. Our communities are the water we swim in. Hahn here, as I read him, is suggesting developmentally it is important to recognize that there is a "common cause." Whether we agree with the direction it is taking may be a different story, but recognizing it and acknowledging it is there, and that it impacts our lives, is invaluable to our development.

The second piece of this for me is "self-effacement". The OED defines it as "The keeping of oneself out of sight or in the background." Other "online" sources add the word "humility" to the general sentiment. When we as a culture so often highlight, even celebrate, the importance of personal achievement above all else how does this work?

Again, I'm not saying we need to become a culture of anonymous drones. We are looking at these "laws" as developmental tools - as a way to improve our lives and relationships.

I believe some of this is about recognition that we are in community. One form of community is a team. Sure, there are often stand out players, but they couldn't take the field alone, they couldn't win championships without the others around them. Most executives I have met would be lost without a staff behind them. 

Acknowledging this, that we are in it together and could not succeed without each other, can be tough for an ego to take, whether it is in relationship, as employer, a teammate, a citizen. 

The other aspect of this I believe many of us learn and struggle with as we come into adulthood, is that we may not be the star player. The team, the community, the goals of the relationship, may not be about us all the time. Does that mean we take our ball and go home? Fight, force, pressure, manipulate until everything is our way? Or can we take a lesser role in supporting something larger than our own interests? Maybe not even be recognized for it?

In thinking about the pervious 2 "laws" it occurs to me this could go the other way quite often too. We may not want recognition, even for what we excel at. Hiding behind others out of fear or comfort. 

I understand this "law" as a "right sizing." Knowing, in each community, what I can contribute and learning what I may need to set aside to be part of the achievement of something bigger than my own ambitions. 

Another way of looking at this is knowing your limits, having an honest assessment your gifts, and using them to the best of your abilities. 

As Hahn says:

"Let the responsible boys and girls shoulder responsibilities big enough, when negligently performed, would wreck a state."

In other words, know what you can handle and know the impact to others if you take on more than you really can.

Part 1. Part 2. Part 4. Part 5.

___________________

Kurt Hahn's School's and Legacy by Martin Flavin was the primary source for these posts.

Kurt Hahn, “The Seven Laws of Salem”, and the Founding Principals of Outward Bound. Part 2

Over 7 weeks or so I will post an exploration of each of  Kurt Hahn’s “Seven Laws of Salem”.  To read Part 1 click here.

Kurt Hahn was an educator and vocal anti-Nazi in the early days of their rise to power. The principals he called “The Seven Laws of Salem” (the basis for the school he founded in Salem, Germany between the world wars) became the founding principals of the Outward Bound programs now offered at independent schools around the world.

Hahn was focused on developing social change through education of the younger generation. He placed the natural world, our earth, in a position of great importance to the heath and development of a human being at a time when industrialization and modernism was beginning to over take more traditional life styles.

The Seven Laws of Salem

1. Give the children opportunities for self-discovery.

2. Make the children meet with triumph and defeat.

3. Give the children the opportunity of self-effacement in the common cause.

4. Provide periods of silence.

5. Train the imagination.

6. Make games important but not predominant.

7. Free the sons of the wealthy and powerful from the enervating sense of privilege.

"Make the children meet with triumph and defeat."

"It is possible to wait on a child's inclinations and gifts and to arrange carefully for an unbroken series of successes. You may make him happy that way - I doubt it - but you certainly disqualify him for the battle of life."

While I'm pretty sure that the sarcasm comes across in the quote above from Hahn's writing on these principals I'll highlight by saying the rest of the paragraph says pretty bluntly we need to learn how to face defeat. 

Setbacks and struggles are part of this life. Socially speaking, at this time, in this country, most of us have some penchant for instant gratification. We want the wrongs righted and the gifts given without too much compromise and little hard work. If these are present we often site them as sacrifices toward getting what we deserve - many adults as well as children. 

This lesson is one of growing up, of taking responsibilities for ourselves rather than blaming the world around us. If we don't learn it early we tend to have to confront it later in life, when so much more is at stake. I'm thinking of the preverbal "bankers jumping from buildings" when the market sinks or of addicts drowning out feelings of defeat and uselessness, as worse case scenarios. But many of us, coming into adulthood have never fully grasped the meaning and value of major setbacks to our dreams and goals. I see so many people either forcing their way through by aggression or sacrifice, or walking away and ignoring a problem all together.

"Treat these two impostors just the same."

On the other side of defeat, many of us need a lesson in handling success. Its easy to start to define ourselves as the thing we are good at - placing our self worth solely on a handful of roles we engage in every day. When challenges arise in these other parts of life its easy to hide in what we are good at, what we have control over. Whether its a career or a video game or a relationship or a hobby, what feels good and rewarding is an easy refuge. 

As adults we need to learn how to balance these. There are areas of life we excel in, but that does not mean we should ignore what is more difficult for us. If you are successful in family relationships and unsuccessful in  your career it doesn't mean you should never work again and vice versa. It doesn't mean you should be miserable your whole life either. 

Part of this lesson is learning to enjoy our successes and recognize there are other challenges in life we might not be as skilled at. We then need to learn new ways of meeting these challenges, new ways of dealing with defeat that inspire us to move on, to develop new tools or to find new means of support. 

A full life isn't an easy life. 

Part 1. Part 3. Part 4. Part 5.

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Kurt Hahn's School's and Legacy by Martin Flavin was the primary source for these posts.