Heart’s Compass & the Unexpected Path

Its often easy to let stress and anxiety become our guides in daily life. Being too much “in our heads” sometimes creates a feeling of separation between our thoughts about what we should be doing and what really needs tending in our relationships and within ourselves.  The following practice was designed to help bring awareness to the wisdom of our body as a guide to the choices we make.  Though this is similar to the “Exploration” practice I posted last month, the focus is slightly different and the second part provided a specific way to carry this forward into your daily life.

Part 1.

Once a week go somewhere you can wonder freely. A city, a park, a trail – somewhere relatively safe. You will be taking a walk, of an hour (or more if you can afford the time) with no set destination in mind. Simply following your senses and intuition.

Wherever you choose to begin pay attention to each sense in turn. What do you see, smell, hear, taste? How the wind or sun feels on your skin? Close your eyes briefly place your hands over your heart and breathe in for a few breaths, turning to face each direction as you do.

Without thinking too much about it – what is drawing your attention most?  Maybe it’s the sound of the wind in the leaves or music from out of a window. Perhaps a smell of baking or the warmth of the sun is calling to you? Maybe the sight of some flowers in a garden or street art? When you feel this pull walk toward whatever it is. If you find yourself thinking too much about it bring your hands to your heart and return to your senses.

Afterwards write in a journal of what drew you. How did that feel? What senses were more dominant? What thoughts or anxieties arose as you walked this unexpected path?

Part 2.

During the following week, throughout the course of your normal day-to-day activity periodically check in with your heart and senses as you did on your walk. It maybe helpful to do this before choosing a meal if you are concerned about your eating habits. Or perhaps you struggle with other choices about how you spend time at work, play or community. You may simply want to set a reminder on your phone to check in a few times a day.

Whatever comes to you, if you cannot move in that direction immediately, make a note and a commitment to follow through later.

Keep a journal of these things, of the fears, challenges or obstacles you face in following through. Look for the longer term patterns & what they might be telling you to bring in to your life. Or what they may be telling you to move away from.

Happy Hunting April 2014.

Many of us rely little on our senses and intuition. Choices we make are usually focused on one practical end or another. Our reason, or logic, often guides everything from the route we take to work to subjects we study and how we spend our free time. Logic and reason are useful tools, yet under these rational choices, below our prefrontal cortex, is a world of color and connection, feelings, emotions, instincts we often discount, especially in the fast pace of urban life.

For this practice, while an hour a week may be sufficient, I would recommend 1 hour every 3 days. You will need a camera of some sort, whether that is your phone, an old Polaroid, or a $5,000 professional camera is up to you. 

The most important part of this practice is that you have no expectations of where you are headed. Obviously, don't go anywhere that might be dangerous to you physically and always be aware of your surroundings. 

As you leave your home stand briefly there on the sidewalk. Place your hands on your belly. Take a deep breath. Cycle through your senses. What is you hear? See? Smell? Maybe you have the taste of something on the tip of your tongue? Or your skin feels the warm sun or cold rain?

As you breathe feel into each of these senses. Something there is calling you. Physically calling you to go closer or move away. Allow that information to inform you. See where it leads. Is it smell and colors of a neighbors flower garden? Or a radio playing a song you know down the street.

Follow that call until you come to that place. Using your camera shoot a picture. Then, when you are ready, again placing your hands on your belly, taking a deep breath, cycling through your senses, trust them to guide you to the next place.

After about 45 minutes stop and start your journey home.

When you get home, after an hour or so, look back at the pictures you took. Choose one. Write about what you see and feel about it. Why do you think this event or place or object called to you? Does it say something about what you may feel missing in your life? Something that needs attending? Or may me it means nothing, it might have sparked a memory or simply called to your aesthetic sense. If you can, share this photo with someone. Tell them what, if anything it means to you.

Playing Cards April 2014.

Two of the best habits of the most effective people are planning and demonstrated commitment. While its not productive to be too unstructured in our plans, being overly ridged creates its own set of problems.

You will need 5-10 minutes each morning and evening, a stack of index cards, a pen, and a notebook to track your progress. (Digital substitutes are OK for the notebook, but I would recommend using actual index cards.)

Sometime early in your day grab a stack of 5 cards. Write down, one on each card, the 5 most important things you need to accomplish today. These may be work projects, time at the gym, time with friends or family. There is no criteria other than each one represents something important to you.

Under each item write as briefly as possible, and as best as you are able, why is this important to you. Maybe you are seeking a promotion, or closing a deal. Maybe you want to build better relationships. Or maybe it is just and undefined feeling that this needs to be done.

Now, organize the cards in the order you think you will most effectively act on them throughout the day.

As you go through your day, once an hour look at the stack of cards. Is the task you are doing right now progressing this list? Maybe there is a good reason for it. What will it take to get you back on track?

Each time you look at the cards (every hour) you are allowed to reorganize them as you choose.

Toward the end of your day take 5-10 minutes to quickly review. Did I accomplish what I set out to do? Is what I left out more important than what I accomplished?

Don't be discouraged, if you did not get everything that was important done, you can move the incomplete card.

Try again tomorrow.

Kurt Hahn, “The Seven Laws of Salem”, and the Founding Principals of Outward Bound. Part 1

Over the next 7 weeks or so I will post an exploration of each of  Kurt Hahn’s “Seven Laws of Salem”.  While these were written as founding principals for a German boarding school in 1930, their relevance to our own continuing education as adults in today’s post-industrial society should not be dismissed.  Though they can certainly inform our modern education system, our journey will be looking at each as it relates to challenges that arise in our daily lives as adults.

Kurt Hahn was an educator and vocal anti-Nazi in the early days of their rise to power. The principals he called “The Seven Laws of Salem” (the basis for the school he founded in Salem, Germany between the world wars) became the founding principals of the Outward Bound programs now offered at independent schools around the world.

Hahn was focused on developing social change through education of the younger generation. He placed the natural world, our earth, in a position of great importance to the heath and development of a human being at a time when industrialization and modernism was beginning to over take more traditional life styles.

The Seven Laws of Salem

1. Give the children opportunities for self-discovery.

2. Make the children meet with triumph and defeat.

3. Give the children the opportunity of self-effacement inthe common cause.

4. Provide periods of silence.

5. Train the imagination.

6. Make games important but not predominant.

7. Free the sons of the wealthy and powerful from the enervating sense of privilege.

“Give the children opportunities for self-discovery”

I don’t know about you, but my education was focused mainly on learning facts and developing tools to solve abstract problems. Self-discovery happened, I suppose. There were occasionally teachers who encouraged these types of things, however this was not the way the system was suppose to work. For many of us I believe, our adolescent years, where we develop our own sense of self, begins with the realization that there is a system. We then need to figure out how we can maintain our individuality within or against such a system.

What typically happens as we develop our sense of self is that we are usually creating it in relation to what is happening around us. For some of us it is rebellion, taking on an outsider role, for others it is in conforming . Yes, there are extremes, but most of us have some areas of conformity and others where we take on more of an outsider role.

Little time is made for going inward, especially being guided there – toward what makes us, well, us – our sense of purpose, our passions and dreams.

Hahn’s own statement on this principal begins:

 “Every girl and boy has a ‘grande passion,’ often hidden and unrealized to the end of life. The Educator cannot hope and may not try to find it out by psycho-analytical methods. It can and will be reviled by a child coming into close touch with a number of different activities…. these activities must not be added as a super structure to an exhausting program of lessons. They will have no chance of absorbing and brining out the child unless they form a a vital part of the work day.”

Dodge ball anyone? Its gym class today. So here, at the start of this exploration we hit upon one of biggest challenges faced by so many people today. Something that is at the root of so much of our unhappiness, whether it is the “mid-life crisis” or the “drifting, purposeless” 20 somethings.

Hahn goes on to correlate this lack of exploration of what truly attracts us in our early development to our spiritual health – the joy and happiness we experience in life.

“(The) undiscovered… boy rarely maintains his vitality unbroken and undiluted from 11 to 15. We do not hesitate to say: often the spiritual difference in age between a boy of 15 and a boy of 11 is greater than that of a man of 50 and a boy of 15.”

In our society these ages may vary, but think of the vitality of a young woman or man at 24 and another at 34?

How can we know our passion or purpose in life if we have never take time to explore it? & as life goes on and our responsibilities and the roles we play add up quite often we move further and further from that passion, we cease any effort at self-discovery and begin to define our selves by the circumstances of our life.

The great gift is it is never too late to begin this journey. There are many paths to this, many ways of making time and space to explore and nurture that source of vitality – on your own, in groups or workshops, with a coach or guide. The world is around us. Vitality sure sound good me.

Try taking time every day, whatever time you can afford – an hour, 15 minutes, less? Write down your agenda, the infinite list of what needs to be done. Next to each item consider why it is there. Is it because of some responsibility you took on? Something that is part of someone else’s agenda? Something you chose because it makes you feel more alive?

I’m not advocating ditching all your responsibilities to find your passion. What I can help with is finding a path to (or back to) that connection to something that gives your life meaning and vitality. Finding it in a way that enhances your life – as it is, as it can be.


Part 2. Part 3. Part 4. Part 5.
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Kurt Hahn's School's and Legacy by Martin Flavin was the primary source for these posts.

Exposing a weakness on national TV; Fibromyalgia; Thinking of others

2 days ago I sat for a half-hour interview with Dr. Gomez from CBS news. This was part of a segment he was doing on the effectiveness of firbomyalgia and TMS - a technology that uses a magnetic residence like device to target specific areas of the brain.

I guess I should go back a bit. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia when I was 18, over 20 years ago. The condition is, as best as medical science can determine today, caused by a malfunction in the brains neurological response to pain, mainly in the system that creates seratonin and neuroephin. There currently is not a treatment which has proven effective over long the term.

Over the last 20 years I have tried just about every form of conventional and alternative treatment. While I found temporary relief with some of them, nothing brought permanent relief. The intensity of the pain tends to fluctuate over time. A few years ago I had what was perhaps one of my worst flair ups of the symptoms in years. It really forced me to take stock and change the way I was living.

One of the ways I coped with this condition prior to that was simply to pretend it didn't exist. For about 5 years I didn't talk about it to anyone except maybe my acupuncturist and chiropractor. I held this condition as a weakness. Something to be ashamed of, something that left me feeling less than adequate. I tried to compensate by doing more than most people would think sane on any given day. Combining work, education, community service projects - I would leave the house at 8am and finish my responsibilities most days after 9pm.

Even for someone without this kind of condition, day after day, week after week, a schedule of this kind would take its toll. It eventually caught up to me. I had, after a noble effort, run myself into the ground and had to really take stock of what was working for me and what was not.

One of the first things I realized was that I needed to begin talking about my condition and how it was affecting me to the people close to me. Keeping it all in ended up keeping people at a distance. I felt if you got too close to me you would know I was really weaker than I tried to prove I was.

It wasn't easy for me to make that shift - to learn to communicate my limits. It was necessary. My employer needed to know how much work I could put in. My family and friends needed to know that when I said I needed time to rest it wasn't about them - that in resting I would be able to be more present with them later.

So what got me from a stoic, 'I'll deal with it myself' point of view to agreeing to be on national TV talking about my pain and weakness?

A lot of things really. First, I needed to find a way to reduce the pain I was in (which for me includes this TMS treatment, acupuncture, yoga, nutrition and few other things).  Second, I had realize that I needed help and that it was important for the people around, those close to me and who needed to rely on me, to know what I was going through - not so that they could save me or fix me, but because we needed to be able to communicate, to make plans, to know what I was able to do and what I couldn't. Wrapped up in all of this is that I needed to know what changes I should make in my life to better manage the condition.

Once the pain was down it was easier to get back in the habit of regular exercise, getting better sleep, and acknowledging my limits to myself. This last piece was so much easier to do after I discussed it with other people. Admitting my weakness to others allowed me to recognize it in myself, which allowed me to take better care of myself, which made it less of a weakness.

The final piece though is that it is helpful to others. Whatever you are using to manage the pain, to reduce or try to remove it, if its working keep at it. If its not try something new.  What I can offer as a coach is support in making these decisions (What is going to be best for you?), in finding ways to better communicate what is going on, and in structuring your life in a way that is supportive and active and connected to the people you care for.

For more information check out my Coaching & Chronic Pain page.

Paradox and Trades - Some thoughts on the Atlantic's Interview with Stephanie Coontz

This is fairly thought provoking interview with Stephanie Coontz on gender roles in work and marriage and the progress of feminism. What struck me most however was the ideas she discusses 1/2 way through the article, on paradoxes and trades:

"The same things that could be really helpful in constructing and sustaining a successful institution or relationship or sources of real power in your life may also set in motion dynamics that undermine it. This is a theoretical point, but it’s also personally empowering. They can look at their life or outside institutions and see that the things that make it strong can also make it weak."

There is a lot of juice in this looking at society. I'm more interested in the personal development piece. This idea that over identifying with our personal or institutional strengths can distract us from where we may have weakness isn't a new one. 

One of the most common challenges I've seen in the clients I work stems from this very issue. Its one of the places where a coach can offer real value. Consider this:

Fred at 32 decides he wants to start a family. Always successful and a hard worker he had found success by putting all his energy and available time into a project. His friends describe him as dedicated, driven and focused.  Attending to his career for so long, Fred does not have much of a social life. The extra hours he has put in toward his success have kept him isolated to a large degree. He decides to try internet dating. 

Dedicated, driven, and focused - these are all great qualities. Fred has relied on these tools and has been successful in his career. He has not however found a way to balance these qualities with some of the traits that might build great relationships. Qualities like patience. 

Fred knows success through diligence and hard work. For as long as he can remember when he has felt uncertainty he has turned his attention to the things he knows he can accomplish - his work. 

While this reminds Fred of his success he has been ignoring building some essential life skills. 

So how do you think our theoretical friend faired in his quest for a meaningful relationship? Yes, dedication, commitment, these are good traits to have as a partner, and in life in general. But what are the weaknesses and paradoxes? Can he balance a relationship within his driven and focused way of tending to his career? What happens when he achieves his goal of marriage and a family? Can he tend to and maintain this kind of relationship? How does he deal with conflict when it arises in these relationships?

Coaching, and particularly Integral Coaching, is designed to address these kinds of challenges - to see the paradoxes and trades we make to be strong enough to accomplish what is important to us. Working in these areas, tending to the weaknesses and trusting that our strengths are still there and still valid. Finding practices and raising our conscious awareness of ourselves and the world around us allows us to create fuller, more meaningful lives.

What challenges are you facing? How do the tools you've used to get you where you are fail to expand your life toward what you really want?

Book a free consultation and let's see if we can help you find a balance, trusting your strengths and strengthening new areas that need it.