3 minutes of silence

A bit last minute, but I have been participating in this for the last 5 years or so. 

Join us for 3 minutes of silence for world peace at 1pm Eastern/10 Pacific

http://www.3minutesofsilence.org

Mythic Warrior 2014

Mythic Warrior is a program for men run by Circles of Air, Circles of Stone. This years program begins November 16th. For more information visit www.questforvision.com

____________________

On a mid-winter Saturday morning in Western Massachusetts 20 men walk through knee high snow toward a stone circle. Most, utterly unprepared, will have socks and sneakers drenched, and cold feet to warm by the wood stove on their return. Standing around this circle a shout begins the morning prayer - "Father sky, mother earth, one love..." 

These are not prayers rehearsed or set to some religious end. These men are speaking from the heart, shouting in the mid-winter air, their truth. An exercise in expressing the quiet and nagging need that lies underneath the walls we build to protect ourselves, our dreams to tender to risk.

These men, for the most part do not know each other. Yet, over the course of several weekends will cry, shout, and sing the tenderest parts of themselves. All of them dedicated to identifying and bringing their deepest gifts and passions to the world.

Since 1994 long-time vision quest leader and shamanic teacher Sparrow Hart has been leading the Mythic Warrior program - a 9-weekend workshop using the "Hero's Journey" as a backdrop to bring real and sustainable change to the lives of more than 250 men, and the lives of those they impact. 

The program, 9-weekends over 9 months, takes a participant through a series of exercises that sometimes seem utterly unrelated. Each one is an invitation to live and express ourselves more authentically, to heal the psychic wounds we carry, to find our juice, our energy, our passion. From the first weekends focusing on our "call to adventure" to the last focusing on the return and how to live and share our gifts, the work done and fellowship experienced creates a container to foster a greater sense of self and greater commitment to our place in the world.

Sparrow, and co-leader Blase Provitola, have been doing this work for 20 years. As leaders their camaraderie and ease set the tone for each participant to find truth in themselves. There is no set of beliefs one needs to subscribe to, no goal, other than each man comes closer to standing in his own. Sparrow and Blase have a beautiful way of creating and making space for each participant to explore the work they need to do within themselves. Their trust, honesty, and humility is refreshing in a world full of elevated gurus. 

The program, even though it is a men's program, is not one of these "up with men" type of things. For a man to live truly and authentically he must begin to open up to his connection and relationship to all things - internal and external. Mythic Warrior does just that in allowing each man to find his own masculine voice beyond the backward idea that men need to be dominant or aggressive. Real masculine power is in love and the responsibility we choose to take on in the world we live in.

I've had the pleasure of working on staff at Mythic Warrior for a few years now and I cannot recommend the program enough.

If you are (or know) a man who feels disconnected from his purpose, bottled up with emotions, struggling with commitment or missing passion and joy in life Mythic Warrior is the perfect experience to open the door to change.

If you are interested contact me. More information, including dates, is available at www.questforvision.com. This years program begins November 14th.

Kurt Hahn, “The Seven Laws of Salem”, and the Founding Principals of Outward Bound. Part 7

A bit of a delay getting these last two write-ups on Kurt Hahn’s “Seven Laws of Salem” together. They seem simpler in some aspects than the preceding, but in other aspects are slightly more complex in looking at their social impact here in America.   Read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4. Part 5. Part 6.

Kurt Hahn was an educator and vocal anti-Nazi in the early days of their rise to power. The principals he called “The Seven Laws of Salem” (the basis for the school he founded in Salem, Germany between the world wars) became the founding principals of the Outward Bound programs now offered at independent schools around the world.

Hahn was focused on developing social change through education of the younger generation. He placed the natural world, our earth, in a position of great importance to the heath and development of a human being at a time when industrialization and modernism was beginning to over take more traditional life styles.

The Seven Laws of Salem

1. Give the children opportunities for self-discovery.

2. Make the children meet with triumph and defeat.

3. Give the children the opportunity of self-effacement in the common cause.

4. Provide periods of silence.

5. Train the imagination.

6. Make games important but not predominant.

7. Free the sons of the wealthy and powerful from the enervating sense of privilege.

"Free the sons of the wealthy and powerful from the enervating sense of privilege."

The great promise of this country has always been "equal opportunity." Its easy to forget over 200 years later that our government was the first to make this a vision for the country. Aristocracy still held most of Europe through the early 1900's, and when it shifted toward republics and parliamentary systems the land owners and business owners still held the majority of the wealth and political power. When Hahn wrote these "Laws" this was shifting in Germany - the world was moving toward greater democratization and socialist ideas of equality were beginning to take root. In America however power was shifting through the 1800's from farmers and land owners into the hands of industrialist. 

There is no denying there is an imbalance of wealth or pools of consolidated political power in this county today. Under the law we have "equal opportunity," but some start the game closer to finish line, while others are further back with legs tied together. 

But this is not what Hahn was getting at. He is speaking about entitlement. The sense that a person has inherent rights and power over others because of wealth, political power or social position. Hahn believed that "the 'poor' rich girls and boys wholly thrown into each others company are not given the chance to grow into men and women who can overcome." Believing this led to idleness and decadence Hahn encouraged mixed classrooms and schools.

What I think he missed though is that in larger schools (he was talking about a private boarding school with less than 500 students) the student population can more easily segregate into groups or cliches with common background or interest. In my experience it is the common interest or activity that breaks down the social and economic barriers.

School aside thought its important to look at this concept of entitlement in our lives - not just in relation to others we work and live with, but as citizens locally and globally. 

A good definition of entitlement would be "I expect what I want to be there, exactly as I want it, when I want it." That could be in a relationship with a romantic partner, with co-workers, with our parents or children. I'm thinking of you guy in the coffee shop agitated and pissed because the staff not getting him is double-decaf-mocha-skim-frapachino fast enough.

When we feel entitled what we are really doing is shutting the world out and making ourselves and our interests more important and valuable than those of others. We also take the gifts we have and abandon any gratitude for them. 

The desire to make the world a certain way to satisfy our unmet needs only leads to the subjugation of others. We spend our time and energy trying define roles for others and trying to keep them within those roles. This can only lead to frustration, anxiety, and depression when these needs are not met. 

There are two remedies that I see. First we need to be able to see ourselves with a sense of humility - an accurate humility recognizing our strengths and weaknesses, our smallness compared to larger forces at work in the universe and our incredible human power to change and influence the world. These are not "rights" they are part of the gift of being human. The ability to have gratitude for the things we have and the circumstances of our lives, not pride but gratitude, helps us to meet others as they are - not as reflections of ourselves.

The second is in pointedly and purposefully meeting and talking with others from different backgrounds. Hear their stories and how they overcame their struggles. Share your own. Learn from each other. Nothing else will help you recognize our shared humanity more fully than curiosity about your fellow human being.

Before closing though I think we need to see this idea not just in our personal lives, or our local economic and political structures. As Americans we have and feel entitled to certain rights, a certain sense of freedom, and luxuries and amenities that 2/3rds of the world don't have - things like running water, freedom of speech, choice in education, religion, career. 

So be grateful, learn from others struggles, remember the world isn't here only for you.

Part 1. Part 2. Part 3. Part 4. Part 5. Part 6.

___________________

Kurt Hahn's School's and Legacy by Martin Flavin was the primary source for these posts.

Kurt Hahn, “The Seven Laws of Salem”, and the Founding Principals of Outward Bound. Part 6

A bit of a delay getting these last two write-ups on Kurt Hahn’s “Seven Laws of Salem” together. They seem simpler in some aspects than the preceding, but in other aspects are slightly more complex in looking at their social impact here in America.   Read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4. Part 5. Part 6.

Kurt Hahn was an educator and vocal anti-Nazi in the early days of their rise to power. The principals he called “The Seven Laws of Salem” (the basis for the school he founded in Salem, Germany between the world wars) became the founding principals of the Outward Bound programs now offered at independent schools around the world.

Hahn was focused on developing social change through education of the younger generation. He placed the natural world, our earth, in a position of great importance to the heath and development of a human being at a time when industrialization and modernism was beginning to over take more traditional life styles.

The Seven Laws of Salem

1. Give the children opportunities for self-discovery.

2. Make the children meet with triumph and defeat.

3. Give the children the opportunity of self-effacement in the common cause.

4. Provide periods of silence.

5. Train the imagination.

6. Make games important but not predominant.

7. Free the sons of the wealthy and powerful from the enervating sense of privilege.

______________

"Make games important but not predominant."

His brief description goes on to say, "Athletics do not suffer by being put in their proper place. In fact you restore the dignity of the usurper by dethroning him."

Hahn is talking about athletics and their role in education and while that is surely a loaded topic for people concerned with those things I believe the more interesting exploration is how we include 'athletics', and more broadly 'games,' in our daily lives as adults.

What happened to play?
These skills are essential throughout our lives, skills we need as adults functioning in society. As Hahn points out though, when we make the game predominate we can lose track of the other values and aspects of life that are important. Whether as a player or fan when sport (or video games or competition in general) becomes our main focus we can easily, and almost unknowingly, fall out of balance in our relationships, our work, and perhaps most importantly with our emotional sense of reality.

As a participant, especially as a high school or college student/athlete, at the age where we are beginning to form our own identity, the danger is in creating too strong of an ego identification with the role. Pop culture is filled with references to the athlete who yearns for the glory days, unable to come to terms with his role out of the limelight. Especially with athletics, as we age our bodies become weaker, softer, more delicate. Over identification of our self image with our physical health sets us up for a struggle of incoming to terms with the truth about how our bodies age and change. At some point in the future, whether permanently or temporarily, we have to face the fact that we cannot compete as well as we once did.


Watching sport has many benefits. We can learn from our teams success and failures, we find a larger sense of community, but it is also common to over identify and replace our own goals, dreams, commitment and relationships aside to live vicariously through the team we support. Placing our own emotional state it the hands of our teams success or failure is a way of abdicating responsibility for our own feelings.


Even off the field, as fan, stories and "scandals" of athletes impact our lives. Athletes who have over identified with their role often don't have the lives we expect our heroes to have. Trouble with drugs or money, abusive relationships, violence, are all symptoms of making the game more important, or making our self image as an athlete more important, than developing coping mechanisms or life skills off the field.


As a fan, especially a young fan, its easy look at those behaviors and think that is how successful people behave - mimicking that behavior will make me successful like that athlete. Its a logical fallacy, but one its easy to make for many. Its not to say that there aren't athletes out there who have found ways to balance their lives healthily - there are. Scandal is highlighted in our culture. There is a sacrificial quality professional athletes take on - carrying the hopes and dreams of fans and often being expected to be more than human, even flawless. Whenever we expect this from others, or from ourselves, we are bound for disappointment.


So what's the solution? How are sports & games suppose to fit in to our lives healthily? I've found nothing from Hahn which spells it out implicitly, but I think the main piece is that in connection with his other "laws" we are striving for a broader, more complete experience in the world. In many ways these "Laws" are about building humility, seeing ourselves in the larger context of the world, natural and social.


One of the effects of sport or games is that it allows us a break from the more dangerous stakes of reality. Its not life or death. As fans we don't need to think of the larger social impact of the Pats beating the Giants, or Brazil losing to Argentina. There is one, definitely, when one's self identity (or national identity) is placed in the hands of a game - but according to Hahn it shouldn't be.

Play is an important part of a balanced life - a way to switch our field of operation and experimentation into now with lower stakes. In play, in games, we have an opportunity to see our strengths and weaknesses. Over identify though, to make the game as important (or more so) than other aspects of our lives, and we can loose our sense of reality, our ability to be present in our own life and relationships.


_________________

Part 1. Part 2. Part 3. Part 4. Part 5.

Kurt Hahn's School's and Legacy by Martin Flavin was the primary source for these posts.

“Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.”

As someone diagnosed with a chronic pain condition, this quote (often attributed to Buddha), is one of those helpful pieces of advice often given by people who really don’t want to listen to how you are feeling, but asked anyway.

It is something both profoundly true and utterly impossible to see when overwhelmed by pain - physical, mental or otherwise.

As I’ve mentioned before, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia at age 18, over 20 years ago. I’ve had my fair share of practice with pain and suffering, chosen or not. 

It was this condition that, in many ways, led me to begin exploring more spiritual approaches - something suggested to me at the time by folks with way more life experience than an arrogant 18 year old. 

In the early years it didn’t stick too well. I tried to cover up the pain and it would take much suffering to bring me to the point of getting back into basic practices, healthy habits, and healthier ways of thinking. When the pain and suffering decreased I would rush back into my life with abandon - only to end up repeating the process all over again. 

Over time I learned, somewhat the hard way, even though for someone with a chronic pain condition “pain is inevitable,” it is also true that “suffering is (mostly) optional.”

Whether chronic pain, a lost relationship, a failed goal, or some other physical or psychic blow, I’ve danced “pain and suffering” shuffle often enough to see many of the ins and outs, where we can get caught up and how to develop habits to overcome the aspects of this that can set up back.

What is suffering?

I used to believe that suffering was best described as the loss of hope. Hope that things would change, that the pain would become less. Then, someone suggested I look up the word.

The OED’s 1st definition of “suffer” is “to undergo or endure… To have (something painful, distressing or injurious) inflicted or imposed upon one.” Other online sources don’t differ significantly.

This is why I used “mostly” above in “suffering is (mostly) optional.” We all have something, sometime, in life that we need to endure. (a topic for another time)

Still, the word’s meaning has a very negative connotation in contemporary use. Someone who “suffers,” in our collective contemporary use of the word, is someone who is miserable at having to endure. A victim who can not move beyond their burden. A quick survey of a few people, and suffering is no longer “enduring,” but closer to “enduring with a prolonged victim mentality in a depressed or agitated state” - especially in the context of the quote.

The first part of the quote, “Pain is inevitable,” actually is equal to “suffering” in the proper use of the word. (Proper usage of words - another topic for another time).

‘Suffering,’ in the context valuable to us then, is probably best defined as “a prolonged sense of grieving or victimization that leads to the multiplication of the pain we are already in.”

Why don’t I want to suffer?

Well, it kind of sucks. 

Aside from the reasons you can come up with on your own? 

I would also say that culturally it is an unwanted trait. It can lead to poor productivity and strained relationships.  Many of our religions and spiritual teachers, most of our philosophers, and pretty much every “self-help” book you can find, focus on creating life without suffering and points us toward some idealized state where all this will be, or can be, removed. In this life or the next (if your up for the gamble). 

Most psychologists tell us that grieving is a healthy response to pain and loss. Prolonged grieving, or a prolonged sense of victimization, is usually classified as pathological. 

There also is, I feel (particularly living this close to New York), a belief happiness is a sign of success. If I am sad, or miserable, or show suffering in some form, there is something wrong with me. Our advertising certainly points that way. 

As human beings we have a range of emotions. Its healthy to be able to express all of them. Its when one or the other becomes so overwhelming we can’t move or can’t socialize that this can be unhealthy.

So do I have to suffer?

Well, this website, and many others, say you should. Though I’m not advocating this.

In the sense of the proper definition of the word, if you mean are there things in life I will have to endure, then yes.

In the sense I have defined above (“prolonged grieving or victimization”), maybe. Probably. But you don’t have to continue to the point where it becomes overwhelming and it doesn’t have to hold you back from living your life. 

If your condition is particularly bad, seek professional medical or psychological or spiritual support in whatever tradition feels right for you. All of these things can help, sometimes separately, sometimes in combination.

So what should I do?

Well below are some suggestions…

Identifying suffering

It can be so much easier to see in others. Recognizing our own suffering, let alone admitting it, is often a genuine challenge, regardless of if this is cultural or biological. I know for myself, I would be face down on the floor in pain, refusing to seek out help, and still believe I could handle it on my own. 

Its a fine line between enduring something we can handle (it doesn’t have much impact on our daily life) and something that is overwhelming (it has a major impact on our lives). 

With something like a chronic pain condition, where the pain is present constantly (sometimes low, sometimes high) many of us make the choice to endure as best we can, especially over time. The people close to us become sick of hearing our complaints, or excuses for canceling plans. We suck it up and push through or, worse, isolate so we do not have to continue to disappoint people. 

I’ve also seen the same behavior in myself, in family and in friends going through breakups, missing a loved one, or after a career failure - holding on too long to something without finding a healthy resolution.

If you are not sure if you are in the midst of unhealthy suffering, ask the people closest to you. Not the ones you see every day, necessarily, but the people who know you best. Ask them, do I seem happy? Would you say I seem like I am suffering?

If you can’t think of someone to ask, there is a good chance you have isolated yourself so no one can see the pain you are in. You are probably suffering. Its a great way to start a deeper conversation, and most people will be happy to tell you what they think of you.

How to start to change it

First, acknowledge it to yourself. You know if you are carrying something that is too heavy for you. If you don’t try talking to some people in your life about what is making you sad, or anxious. Sometimes when we talk aloud we can find truths that we can’t see in our internal dialogue. Its the old 12-step approach - “admit I am ____, and it is making my life unmanageable.” 

Second, talk to someone about it. The very nature of suffering, according to both definitions I mention here (the proper one and the colloquial one) is isolation. Whether you endure you burden in silence or with a great deal of complaining telling someone its too much to carry alone is the first move toward not having to carry it alone.

Take suggestions and follow advice. If you are going through something and some one hasn’t been through it before, and come out the other side, you are in a very small minority. Doctors, healers, support groups, friends and family, someone you know at least knows someone who knows someone who has been through something similar. Reach out to them. very few people will say no to someone they can legitimately help. Search on line and find books that may be helpful. 

Then, the real trick is following the advice once you get it. 

———-

In future posts, and in a forth coming book, I will get more into some of the practices that can be supportive for chronic pain.

For now though, remember:

• How do I take action when I don’t feel motivated?
• Acknowledge the current limit to yourself and those impacted by it.
• Seek out support.
• Be realistic, for today.

Kurt Hahn, “The Seven Laws of Salem”, and the Founding Principals of Outward Bound. Part 5

Over 7 weeks or so I will post an exploration of each of  Kurt Hahn’s “Seven Laws of Salem”.  Read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 or Part 4.

Kurt Hahn was an educator and vocal anti-Nazi in the early days of their rise to power. The principals he called “The Seven Laws of Salem” (the basis for the school he founded in Salem, Germany between the world wars) became the founding principals of the Outward Bound programs now offered at independent schools around the world.

Hahn was focused on developing social change through education of the younger generation. He placed the natural world, our earth, in a position of great importance to the heath and development of a human being at a time when industrialization and modernism was beginning to over take more traditional life styles.

The Seven Laws of Salem

1. Give the children opportunities for self-discovery.

2. Make the children meet with triumph and defeat.

3. Give the children the opportunity of self-effacement in the common cause.

4. Provide periods of silence.

5. Train the imagination.

6. Make games important but not predominant.

7. Free the sons of the wealthy and powerful from the enervating sense of privilege.

"Train the imagination."

"The power to resist the pressing stimulus of the hour and the moment can not be acquired later in life; it often depends on the ability to visualize what you plan and hope and fear for the future"

I do disagree that these skills can not be acquired later in life. Few of us though are willing to put in the effort to do so. (I'll get to that in a minute).

What I think is interesting here that Hahn is specifically talking about the imagination put to practice use.  Our ability to visualize our future - to recognize not just our plan, but our hopes and fears about it. 

I feel this is probably pretty sophisticated understanding for the time. While he focuses on the practical use of the imagination, he is also seems to be implying that it is not just the rational "plan," but also the recognition of the impact our emotional life has on these plans and our ability to carry them out.

He is not just talking about visualizing a future we want - where do I see myself in 5, 10, 15 years. He is saying imagination is important for visualizing what we desire. Not just thinking outside the box, but feeling deeply into it and embracing what we hope and fear is on the other side. That takes courage, almost a leap of faith. We do not want to be disappointed or wrong, having to face our fear.

This distinction, between want and desire, is an important one. Want, is charged with the intellect. Its often connected to how we see ourselves or how we want others to see us. It is measurable and usually concrete. What we desire is charged with emotion, with feeling, with hope and fear.  It is often immeasurable.  

Want is usually something within our control, something we can achieve and benefit from. Desire is something deeper, usually beyond our control, and taking a greater imagination to access and bring into life. 

What we want can be held onto if achieved. What we desire is fleeting.

It takes, not just imagination, but courage to step into desire.

The biggest challenge to imagination, especially later in life probably cynicism.  As we grow and our imagination, however well developed, is faced with harsh reality, it tends to shrink unless we use it. "It becomes atrophied like a muscle not in use," as Hahn puts it. 

Imagination can fall out of balance in two ways. 

First, as Hahn says, it becomes atrophied. We can't use our imaginative power even if we wanted to. We lose site of where we are headed, our plans for getting there, and our emotional connection to our future. Life becomes about tasks. We endure or suffer through. Our lives are governed by routine and responsibility. Our hopes and dreams, maybe even our entire emotional life, seems out of reach.

The second way is that imagination, though strong, is not put to practical use, leading to daydreaming and fantasizing. Instead of using our ability to vision our future and take practical steps to change our lives, the lure and mailability of our imaginations become a retreat where we can have what we want, or desire, at anytime - without having to put the work in. 

Harnessing the Imagination

As I said in the beginning, I disagree with Hahn that the imagination cannot be acquired later in life. It just takes some work.

If the imagination is weak, atrophied, making a commitment to build it up just means identifying the right practices for our specific case. Exploring our ability to visualize could take many forms - drawing, shamanic journeying, dream work, meditation techniques, spending more time in nature, or maybe all we need is vacation.

Often something as simple as stepping outside of our daily routines is enough. Though the work put in should be focused on quieting the voice driving us on the "need to do list," and give us time to open up to what we want and desire, and creating a plan to get there.

If we struggle in the other direction with lots of imagination, but no focus, we need to develop better techniques for seeing life as it really is, and taking action using our imaginations. In this case, more time spent planning and practicing putting your vision in your life is beneficial. Start small and specific. If you space out on kung fu movies, go take a martial arts class. If you dream of being rich, work with someone to build a financial plan that sets money aside.

Think of your imagination as a body of water. Cool, clear, refreshing. Water needs a structure, a path to flow or rest in, or else it floods and drowns out everything around it. How can you build a structure for its flow that is aimed at your goals and dreams.

------

Part 1. Part 2. Part 3. Part 4.

___________________

Kurt Hahn's School's and Legacy by Martin Flavin was the primary source for these posts.

Kurt Hahn, “The Seven Laws of Salem”, and the Founding Principals of Outward Bound. Part 4

Over 7 weeks or so I will post an exploration of each of  Kurt Hahn’s “Seven Laws of Salem”.  Read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, or Part 5.

Kurt Hahn was an educator and vocal anti-Nazi in the early days of their rise to power. The principals he called “The Seven Laws of Salem” (the basis for the school he founded in Salem, Germany between the world wars) became the founding principals of the Outward Bound programs now offered at independent schools around the world.

Hahn was focused on developing social change through education of the younger generation. He placed the natural world, our earth, in a position of great importance to the heath and development of a human being at a time when industrialization and modernism was beginning to over take more traditional life styles.

The Seven Laws of Salem

1. Give the children opportunities for self-discovery.

2. Make the children meet with triumph and defeat.

3. Give the children the opportunity of self-effacement in the common cause.

4. Provide periods of silence.

5. Train the imagination.

6. Make games important but not predominant.

7. Free the sons of the wealthy and powerful from the enervating sense of privilege.

"Provide periods of silence."

Sometime after kindergarten, when nap time is replaced with recess, the idea of taking time to rest throughout out day seems to disappear. 

As Hahn says:

"Unless the present day generation acquires early habits of quiet reflection, it will be prematurely used up by the nerve exhausting and distracting civilization of today."

He wrote that in 1930. That's 84 years ago. If the 1930's were so nerve exhausting and distracting, I wonder what he would make of our pace in life today?

Sitting alone in silence, with the express purpose of rest, is difficult for many of us. Our focus is so easily brought to "what I am I doing?"

When I was young I was taught that I always needed to be doing something. I was told "only stupid people get bored," and taught to memorize "Good, better, best, never let it rest - till the good gets better and better gets best." And later: "Upon the plains of hesitation lie the bones of countless thousands, who upon the dawn of victory paused to rest, and in resting died."

So no, not much early acquisition of habits of quite reflection.

Our relationship to silence says volumes about our relationship to ourselves. With all distraction gone, the fears, doubts, the self criticizing voice within us become louder. Culturally, at least as far as I am aware, we generally share only two social references to silence as we grow. 

The first is a silence of sacredness. In school, in church, in the living room on Sunday afternoon during a ball game - if we get too loud we are disrupting something greater than us. Sacraments, whether religious, social, or personal, hold reverence. Silence is one way we are taught that something is important - that we are in the presence of something greater than we are, so we should shut up, sit down and be quiet.

Depending on where and how we were raised this may be during religious services, family meals, the pledge of allegiance, during tests at school (or just at school),or during the last 10 minutes of a particularly important and close ballgame on the TV. We may be asked at events to observe a minute of silence. And of course, almost always, while someone is working. Remember, "Silence is golden."

As we grow up this silence of the sacred sends a message - you are in the presence of something greater than you, something you should not disrupt. How easily do we consciously adopt these values? Some of them have great social value. Others we learn we may struggle with our whole lives.  We can learn a lesson about putting aside our personal interests and desires and to observe a larger social interest. 

The second predominate time we are taught about silence as we grow up is in punishment. Prisoners are sent to solitary, children are told to stand in the corner or go to their room and be quiet, adolescents get detention - meant in most cases to be a period of reflection on what they did wrong. 

Hahn, sees quiet self-reflection as an asset, a life enhancing, and preferably chosen activity. We are taught generally that we should only reflect on ourselves, our choices and behavior, if we are wrong or bad - out of line with the socially accepted.

If these are our only exposures to the idea of silence, by the time we become adults, silence, quietness, is a quality we can hold with sense of real conflict. Being quiet and doing nothing is either for the holy or for the wrong. Why would a regular guy like me want to take time for quiet reflection?

The truth is somewhere in-between. When we make space for quiet or reflection we are making space to listen to see our selves and the impact our often habitual and unconscious behavior has on our lives, what our bodies are telling us, and gives us a chance to connect to the wisdom of what some us call god, or big mind, or inspiration (among other things).

One of the most difficult challenges faced by clients and others I have worked with around sitting in silence is that an intense sense of anxiety arrises. They begin to experience thoughts or fears that they can't quite seem to push away. Its a common problem for beginners in most meditation practices. 

Why do so many of us struggle with this concept?  Either as silent meditation or quiet self reflection, the challenge to be at peace and be still seems common among us. 

The most reliable way to become more skilled in silence and quiet reflection is, as with most things, practice. 

There are 3 basic practices I teach and recommend - Quiet reflection, active rest and meditation. Though there are invariable forms of each, they all work toward stilling the mind, easing overactive nerves, and creating a clearer sense of who we are beyond the fears and doubts.  Here are some examples of each...

Quiet Reflection

There are plenty of great self reflection exercises out there. Some of them have specific aims, others are meant to build our self awareness. The majority of them have one thing in common - sitting in quite and expressing or considering what is on our minds.

The most basic practice is journaling. Sitting at some set time of day and recording our thoughts. By placing them on paper we are able to see them more objectively, to get to the heart of that is charging or driving a specific event or emotional response. 

Prayer is also a form of quiet reflection. Often used to express fears or hopes for ourselves or others, a prayer infers a relationship with God or a higher power, however we define it. In this act, in may ways, we are recognizing our limits and our potential. 

In Integral Life Practice the authors set out what they call the "3-2-1 Shadow Process." Which is essentially a self examination of the relationships that give us trouble and the part we play in perpetuating them. Many 12-Step groups use a different method, with the same aim, in their inventory processes - looking at the role the individual plays and what they can change, not the other person.

What all of these methods create is an opportunity to view our behavior in an objective way, giving us more knowledge of ourselves, our relationships, our emotions and ideas.

Active Rest

One of the concepts I have been meditating on and finding ways to practice in my own life is the concept of active rest. Meaning, as I have come to use it, doing nothing but focusing on rest. Most people I know, myself some days included, rest by sitting on the couch and turning on the TV.  Even on the beach most of us dive into some book. We our constantly feeding our nervous system. Our sense tends less toward being at peace and healing, as it does feeding ourselves information to drown out our thinking.

Having been diagnosed with fibromyalgia at a young age I became aware pretty quickly that my nervous system needed rest. TV and may other forms of entertainment could have a negative effect on my condition, my ability to relax, rest or sleep.

The easiest way I have found to practice active rest is in savasana. A yoga pose where I am simply laying on floor on my back with my hands and legs relaxed, eyes closed. The pose is often called corpse pose (because of course something that still and at rest must be dead.) The aim, as most yoga teachers will give with their instructions is to "melt into the floor".

Savasana is great way to rest. Focusing on relaxing the body and breath, practiced over time, the brain starts checking in with its more basic functioning. Tensions held in the body for years can simply release and be gone.

Without distraction, without constant input, we can relax more fully. Quite often this practice can give us new perspective or insight into our lives. Many yoga studios offer restorative or yin yoga classes, where 3 or 4 supported postures, similar to savasana, are done over the course of the class. This can be a great way to learn and experience active rest.

Meditation

Odd are you have a picture in your head of someone in a robe sitting on a cushion contemplating absolutely nothing. 

There are countless forms of meditation. I have come across seated, walking,and written meditations. I've used guided meditations, shamanic journeying, meditation focused on a single object or mantra, mindfulness meditation focused on building awareness, and meditation using sound or drumming to create a trance. And quite a few others. 

The simplest, and most effective technique I learned is to find a comfortable seat and bring your attention to your breath, with or without your eyes closed. Feel the cool air coming in, feel the warm air going out. If you have a distracting though just gently bring your attention back to the breath.

A tool I learned from a recored class with yoga teacher Erich Schiffmann, that I found online is the 50-1 technique. Similar to the above, except adding a count down to the mix. As you breathe in start with "50". As you breathe out - "49". Until you get to "25" then just use the count on the out breath. When you reach "0" continue with observing the breath.

With both of these its worth it to use a timer. Set it for anywhere from 3 to 30 minutes. 

Meditation, when you hit the sweet spot, provides the same type of benefits to your body as deep sleep. It can help the brain repair the body and correct imbalances in brain chemistry. 

But it takes practice. Be patient with yourself. If you struggle doing it alone find a friend or a good instructional CD, or a teacher or a practice group.

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So there are many ways to make periods of silence for ourselves and many benefits to it. Whether we or not we learned a healthy relationship to silence when we are young, or not, its never too late to learn stepping back, taking a few breaths, and renewing our relationship to ourselves, our bodies, our relationships. 

Part 1. Part 2. Part 3. Part 5.

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Kurt Hahn's School's and Legacy by Martin Flavin was the primary source for these posts.